KING ARTHUR
PROLOGUE
Front of Curtain
(After overture there is a flash, a puff of smoke and Merlin appears in front of main curtains. He stands in a spotlight and "magical" music is played softly under his speech.)
Merlin:
Warm welcome and greetings to one and all
Be you long in the tooth or just learned to crawl,
This hat and this wand my business proclaim,
I am a wizard and Merlin is my name.
Long years ago, when my beard was half grown,
There stood on a hill a great slab of stone.
Fixed in that rock was the sword of Excalibur,
A wondrous blade of magical calibre.
"Whoever can pull the sword from the stone,
He will be King and shall sit on the throne."
Many men tried, they came by the horde,
But none could remove that magical sword.
Then up stepped a boy, no more than a sprout,
And without hesitation he pulled the sword out.
That's how young Arthur became the true King,
And soon all Britain his praises would sing.
He built a fine castle that shone in the sun,
(It's open to the public from 10 to 1!)
He gathered around him an army of knights
Who rescued fair damsels and looked good in tights!
All of these knights were brave, pure and true,
Tho' there was the odd dirty knight between me and you.
For these gallant fellows he built a round table,
And at it they'd sit, drinking Carling Black Label.
When Arthur asked Guinevere to be his Queen,
She was the loveliest girl he’d ever seen.
But if only he had seen her mother before,
He'd have known what a future he had in store.
Enough of this preamble and on with the plot
Prepare to enter King Arthur's Court -
At stately Camelot
ENTER officious little man with bowler hat, earphones and a metal detector
Merlin: My goodness, who are you?
Jobsworth: My name is Sidney Jobsworth and I'm with the Government's Health and Safety Department.
Merlin:Then what are you doing here?
Jobsworth: I'm here to protect the public.
Merlin : There's nothing to protect them from - there’s no conker trees, no …
Jobsworth: How about balls?
Merlin : There is one later, but it won't be hard.
Jobsworth: Come on, you're hiding something from me.
Merlin: It's the cut of my cloak.
Jobsworth: I'm on to something, aren't I?
Merlin: What?
Jobsworth: It's aroused.
Merlin: I beg your pardon?
Jobsworth: This (indicating machine he is holding) my pantomime joke detector. It's beginning to twitch.
Merlin : Oh, well . . . a twitch in time ... (Machine makes noise)
Jobsworth: There you are. I knew it - corny jokes, puerile puns - it's got to stop.
Merlin: No, you've got it wrong. This isn't a pantomime, is it boys and girls! (Audience biz)
Jobsworth: Oh yes, it is.
Merlin: Oh no, it's not! (Machine makes noise)
Jobsworth: I knew it! It's a pantomime.
Merlin: It's not?
Jobsworth: What is it then?
Merlin: It’s … Er . . . a cultural evening discussing mediaeval history.
Jobsworth: Pointing to audience That lot? Cultural? Who are you trying to kid? Looks like a pantomime crowd to me.
Merlin :To audience ... so, in the early 6th century King Arthur defeated the invading Saxons in Dorset and …
Jobsworth: I’ll be keeping a close watch on you and don't think you can pull the wool over my eyes (Baaa offstage) Who did that? To audience For your own protection I'm installing a pantomime joke detector. Whenever an awful pantomime joke is imminent you'll hear the Corn Horn horn, place your fingers in your ears thus puts fingers in his ears. Come on then, let's see you do it. Horn (audience biz getting them to put fingers in ears) OK, you can get your fingers out now. I must go, I'm off to see my grandmother.
Merlin: Who's that?
Jobsworth: Nanny State. (Horn & machine buzzes. Merlin puts fingers in his ears) Oh, shut up!
EXITS
Merlin: Now, where was I? Oh yes, I remember.
Enough of this preamble and on with the plot.
Prepare to enter King Arthur’s Court -
At stately Camelot.
CURTAINS OPEN
ACT ONE SCENE ONE
The courtyard of Camelot.
The chorus and dancers are Knights, Court Ladies, Servants, etc. As curtain opens they go into a colourful and lively opening song and dance.
SONG: SUPERCALIFRAGILISTIC
(As song ends Simple Sally rushes forward)
Sally: (to the others) Is it true? Is it true? Oh, please tell me it’s true!
Knight: Calm yourself. Is what true?
Sally: Is Sir Lancelot returning home from his quest today?
Lady: News to me, but I hope so.
Lady 2: Indeed. His handsome face and charming manner has been sorely missed here in Camelot.
All Ladies: (Sighing) Oh! He's lovely, that Sir Lancelot.
Sally: Oh, it's not him I'm dying to see, it's Squirt.
All: Who?
Sally: Squirt, the Squire. We were made for each other.
Lady 3: And very badly made if you ask me…… I can't understand what you see in him. I prefer Master Whittington…
All: Master Whittington?
Lady 3: Oh yes, I've been in love ever since I first spotted Dick.
Sally: Squirt's promised we'd get engaged as soon as he got back from the quest. (Soppily) He's going to ask for me hand.
Knight: And nothing else? (Ribald laughter)
Sally: (Huffily) Well? Is he coming back today or not?
Knight: We know not, girl. (Looks off) Ah! Here comes Merlin. Ask him, he's bound to know.
(ENTER Merlin. Sally rushes to him and pulls at his cloak)
Sally: Is it true? Oh, please, please tell me it's true!
Merlin: Desist at once from pulling at my clothes!
If you don't, who knows what you'll expose!
Sally: (Letting go) Is Sir Lancelot going to be home today? Please tell me. Is he?
Merlin: This question seems to cause you stress,
The answer is, quite simply, yes! (Everyone cheers. Sally kisses Merlin)
Away with you, girl, get back to your baking,
An important announcement I should be making.
Sally: (Excitedly) He's coming home. Oh, my Squirty's coming home. Oh, I'm so excited, I can’t wait to see him. (Skips off)
Merlin Pay heed all you dwellers of fair Camelot.
This way comes the King you all love a lot.
His Royal presence is now close at hand,
So show some respect and strike up the band.
(Fanfare. The chorus prepares for King's entrance)
(ENTER Page carrying Excalibur)
Merlin: Ah! The King's Page.
(Page marches to front of stage and stands with back to audience)
Knight: What comes next?
Merlin: I don't know. Anybody know?
All: (Muttering) No … I don’t know … haven't a clue … etc
Knight: Oh, bearded one! I know what happens next. (Puts his hand up) Me! Me?
Merlin: Kindly remember your place.
Knight: I do. It's at the bottom of page 4.
Merlin: That’s not funny!
Knight: Nor was page 3. Oh, I'll take care of it. (Steps forward and spins Page round to face audience)
Merlin: What are you doing?
Knight: I'm turning the page.
Merlin: (Banging wand on the ground) Can we get on with it?
Behold Excalibur! King Arthur’s sword
Closely followed by your Sovereign Lord
(Fanfare. With exception of Page, all bow and curtsey. No-one appears. Merlin repeats the announcement. Louder fanfare.)
Page: Hey! Fungus face! Merlin reacts 'Is Nibbs said 'e might be a bit late 'cos he's had to go shopping with the Queen.
Merlin: (To audience) Really! This is most frustrating
A King shouldn't keep his subjects waiting.
Page: Do you have to talk in rhymes? It’s stupid.
Merlin: Stupid? How dare you talk to me like that
I'll turn you into a frog… (pause before adding on rhyme) or rat
Page: Lines with words you keep on matching
I just hope it isn’t catching