ROBINSON CRUSOE

Squire: You know what I'm doing here. You haven't paid your land fees for years. So I'm going to take your cottage to cover what you owe me.

Dame: You can't do that.

Squire: I can 'cos I'm King Rat.

All: Oh no you're not

Squire: Oh yes I am.

All: Oh no you're not.

Squire: Oh yes I am.

Dame: King Rat's got nothing to do with this.

Squire: Oh yes he has.

All: Oh no he hasn't.

Squire: Oh yes he has.

All: Oh no he hasn't.

Squire: (to the audience) Have you got the gist of this yet?

Dame: Anyway you can’t take my cottage.

Squire: Oh yes I can (Audience biz) Oh yes I can. I have the deed to your cottage here. Sign it and pack your bags.

Dame: (looks at paper) It's filthy.

Squire: Yes, it's a dirty deed.

Dame: You can't do that.

Squire: I just did and it got a laugh.

Dame: Please give me a bit more time. I’ve got meself a job down at the monastery washing for the monks.

Squire: So that's where you get your dirty habits. I want you out and that's the end of it.

Dame: I don’t know why you want it (points to cottage). It's tiny in there. It's much too small for you.

Squire: I'll see about that (Enters cottage)

Villager 1: He's after our homes as well.

Villagers 2: We're all really worried we'll have nowhere to live.

Villager 3: Why does he have to be so greedy?

(Sounds of a cat fight from the cottage. Enter Squire with a cat on the end of a rope. )

Squire: You're right. There's not enough room to swing a cat round in there.

Dame: (grabs cat) Poor Tigger.

Squire: But I still want you out.

Dame: Just give me a little more time.

Villagers: Yes, give her a little more time. Go on. You old skinflint etc.

Squire: All right. All right. A little more time and then no more Mr Nice Guy. (To pianist) Oh and by the way. You didn't play my music when I came on.

(Pianist plays All things Bright and Beautiful. Villagers laugh)

Squire: That's not my music. I'm the villain of the peace. (Looks at one of the female chorus) And not a bad little piece at that.

(Pianist: All Things Bright and Beautiful)

Squire: Will you stop that? Don't you know anything else?

Villager 1: She can play On a Green Hill Far Away.

Squire: How far away? Listen I just want music befitting my involvement in this excuse for an evening's entertainment. Otherwise you can be replaced.

Villager 1: By who?

Squire: I don’t know.. er.. Mrs Mills.

Villager 2: But she's dead.

Squire: She'd still be an improvement. You'd better be careful or your crotchets could be in grave danger.

Villager 3: Leave her alone.

Squire: (Throws a crisp towards pianist) Here, have this. You seem to be a few notes missing.

Villager 2: What is it?

Squire: A quaver. (Breaks one and throws a piece) And this… a semi-quaver.

Dame: (to audience) The jokes start badly and fade in the second half.

(Dragnet music from the sound desk)

Squire: That's it. That's more like it. When I enter that's what I expect from now on. Let’s give that a try. I'll exit and re-enter.

(Squire exits and re-enters. Pianist plays All Things Bright and Beautiful)

Squire: Not you. (Points to sound desk) Him!

(Dragnet music from sound desk)

Squire: This is hard work. And you (points at Dame( End of the month. No money and you're out. No more stalling (Exit)

Villager 2: Will you be able to get the money?

Dame: What do you think? (sobbing) I might half as well start packing now. I love that little cottage. And all my lovely furniture. I give it names you know… Tommy the Table, Charlie the Chair, Sidney the Sideboard, Percy the Pouff.

Villager 3: How about the fireplace?

Dame: Alfred the Grate.